A Dream Deferred

I've been out of the traditional work force for three years now. The first few weeks after Jacob was born I spent hours fluctuating between disbelief that this was my life and secretly job hunting online. It just seemed too good to be true.

Then we added a second child to the mix and suddenly it wasn't quite as easy to be home. No, it was work! I'd sometimes even secretly envy people who got to go to work because some days I truly believe it would be so much easier than staying home.

I'd go about my days at home with one foot out the door. A silent rebellion against my stay at home life. My head was home cooking, cleaning, caring for my babies and my heart was a stormy, colorful mess. I'd sew and paint and rearrange because the creative energy that was spurring me to discontent was burning me up. Always looking to go somewhere, be somewhere else, do something.

Then early this year I came across a great idea that I just had to do. Tony was willing and without really weighing the potential costs, I dived into my little frame shop revelling in the creative outlet it provided.

Paint colors and shapes, marketing opportunities and photographs became my first morning thoughts and my final waking thoughts at night. Beneath the glossy coat of a myriad of paint colors, what I was really chasing was money. I called it a "creative outlet", but that was just code for "cash box".  My heart was unwilling to classify my true intentions with such brassy, crass cravings. But I still got called out on it, with a spoken word from my heavenly Father. "You aren't the provider, I AM."

Since that conversation, it's been growing in my heart that I am wrong to want to be anywhere else than where God has placed me for now. In fact, a conversation I had with my aunt back in January has been ringing in my ears for months. She told me how, as a young mother, she also wanted to get out, follow her dream and make more money, but that was not what God had for her. So, she stayed home, she was obedient to do what He had called her to do at that time and now, as her children are grown, she has pursued her passion for design and God is blessing her richly. Blessing her now, for her obedience then.

I have waffled and hemmed and hawed and gone back and forth. I've begged God to tell me what I need to do and His response was, "We've already had this conversation."

In August we found out we would be adding one more baby to our family (one more in our plan anyway!), a very happy time for me. A new baby, though, changes things. If I was limited before, I'll be outnumbered now! There will simply not be time or energy for my frame shop. It's time for me to stop thinking of myself and what I need, what I want, what I like. Basically, it's not about me, it's about being obedient to what  I am called to do now- raise my children. It's time to embrace motherhood.

My frame shop I'm calling a dream deferred. There will always be something for another time, but my kids, they won't be around forever. Three years have come and gone, and in another three I'll have one in school and another one almost ready to go. I know I will never wish that I had worked more. I will never wish I had spent less time with my kids, I will never wish for a better life and calling than what I have right now.

A dream deferred is a dream realized. And I almost missed it.