The Heart of the Matter

Much like the rhythmic beating of a heart, our life is beginning to settle into a rhythm of it's own. Thank goodness. For a while there it was all a terrible case of heart murmurs, skipping a beat and heartburn! We did have a little arrhythmia when we traveled by plane to New York with three kids ages three and under this past Memorial Day weekend. We had bags galore, a very sick little boy, the always brilliant TSA and airport security, and numerous other stresses sending us running for blood pressure meds stat. But we survived. Barely.

The thing is, about two weeks ago when I wrote my last entry, I didn't realize I had hit upon a little nugget of mothering gold. The more I ruminated on this post, the more I realized I had to implement this philosophy into my mothering. I had to stop viewing my job as taking care of my kids and internalize that I am serving the Lord every day, all day whether I am making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or wiping a bottom.

It doesn't come naturally to put aside my wants and wishes to care for other people. I'm quite selfish as a matter of fact. I've found over the years that having children hasn't made me more selfless, it's only highlighted that ugly little flaw and amplified it. For example, when we eat grapes, I give the mushy ones to the kids and keep the crunchy ones to myself. Or, worse yet, sit and scroll through facebook updates rather than read the book my sweet girl has brought me with a hopeful look in her eyes. Nope, I'm selfish to the core.

The good news is I have Someone who is bigger and purer, and better than me who has offered to help me, to heal me, to walk me through this life. Two weeks ago I started every day by asking God to help me to treat my children as if I am serving a King, to view my job as a mission not a mandate, to strive to make my life a fragrant offering to my Savior. A remarkable thing happened. I found myself loving my children deeper, controlling my temper, finding new interest in the things that make them happy, a renewed desire to nurture these little hearts and minds. Even more remarkable was how the change in my attitude affected my kids's attitudes. They were kinder to each other, more tolerant of the tiny baby who has rocked their world, more responsive to correction and blossoming and budding every day as happy, joyful, secure children should be.

My new little philosophy on mothering gets even better because I feel confident it can transcend the confines of motherhood and apply to every person in every walk of life- businessmen, doctors, lawyers, indian chiefs. All can find satisfaction and joy in what they do when they reset their mindset on serving God and serving others with His help. The heart of the problem is a problem of the heart.

Now, don't get me wrong, not even a saint can always feel warm and fuzzy toward their kids. My darling Jacob  told me at Memorial Day lunch with my family- in front of everyone- that I needed to apologize to him for screaming at him. I cringed at his choice of words...and timing. Hey, it happens. I told him I was sorry he disobeyed and I had to raise my voice. How's that for an apology?

No, we can't and won't get it right all the time. There will always be days when we are enveloped in a gray fog, or when the kids are out of sorts, or when everything seems to be going wrong, or plans get changed, or things get spilled or broken. We will fall and fail and react in ways we regret. We will lose our way, forget our resolve, feel low and dreary and worn. But we can always ask for help, and the One who holds our hearts will always reset the rhythm with a heartbeat for Him.

John 14:13

Whatever you ask in my name, this I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son.

Missionary Mother

It's Mother's Day and Marlee's one month birthday eve. This month has been both long and short with both highs and lows. It's been happy, sad, frustrating, rewarding, funny, and a whole dictionary full of adjectives. My poor kids probably feel like they've been on a roller coaster ride these past few weeks. Truthfully, they have been. They've been passengers on my emotional roller coaster whether they wanted to or not. It's been a wild ride, if not always fun. Sorry guys.

There have been moments when I nearly burst with the fullness my heart feels, there have been moments when I wanted to put my fist through a wall (just being transparent here, folks) and there have been moments when I cried because my kids are growing so fast, too fast for me to keep up.

Still other moments I've been laughing- just the other morning Jacob told Kaylen who was crying loudly to "shut down" which was just plain funny (don't worry, I didn't tell him it's actually shut UP and I did tell him not to talk to his sister that way and I did tell Kaylen to shut down. Err...to go to her room and cry.) I've been frustrated as I find every room a complete distaster and even if I pick things up, every day one by one each room gets torn up once again. I've been disappointed. It is disappointing to find that Marlee hates to be dressed like her older sister and poos all over me and the matching outfit I dress her in. I've felt overwhelmed with keeping up with each little person in my household. Truly, one of them and sometimes more than one needs something from me nearly every hour of the day and night.

It's hard too keep up with a house, three small, needy (in a good way, of course) children, a husband, myself, bills, laundry, groceries, meals without letting something become neglected. Inevitably something does get pushed off and thankfully, so far, it's only been the laundry. Well, and the cleaning. Ok, and some of the cooking.

Harder still is the lesson I've been learning in selflessness. With your first child, you give a lot up, but still have a good bit of time to do your own thing. With the second child you give up a lot more, but still have a little bit left for you. With the third, you are consumed. There is nothing left. I've found myself clutching onto my own will and desires as if I'm a drowning victim, but the truth is, holding onto what I want is not going to work. Unlesss I want to go to bed each night feeling dissatisfied with my position as wife and mother and caretaker in our home. Unless I want my children to go to bed each night feeling a little bit like they didn't get enough hugs, or kisses or time. Unless I want my husband to go to bed each night feeling like he's been abandoned, left for the greener pastures of self interest. -*

I tried to find the blog I read recently which said that serving our children was like a fragrant offering to God. I've been thinking about the phrase "fragrant offering" every since I read the article. The fact is, a lot of this past month while I've been serving my children, it certainly couldn't be called a fragrant offering to God because frankly, my attitude stunk. I was thinking about everything I really wanted to be doing, or wondering why I have to do everything- and really, I don't have to do everything, I just do everything because I refuse to admit I can't do everything. Pretty stupid, really. - or just being ugly because I felt I had justication because I "just had a baby and am sleep deprived". Not so. Every day as I serve my children and my husband, I am also serving the King. Do I really want to serve Him a stinking pile of rotten attitude, or do I want to serve Him my best because He also gave me His best? And I didn't even deserve it.

And now, I must go. Naps are ending, Jacob is dying for some of my attention- which he certainly has now that I just discovered he was "washing" a clean cup and used nearly half a bottle of Dawn dishwashing soap up in the process. How I am going to get all those suds out of that cup and sink? I shall have to look on Pinterest...oh wait.

But seriously, I want to pour into my children the love and attention and best that I have and in turn, offer myself as a fragrant offering to my Savior. It's like being a missionary in my own home.

Lies!

Whoever said that going from one child to two was the hardest and adding a third wasn't such a big deal was and is dead, flat out wrong. I'm here to tell you, going from two to three is way harder. Way. And it's not like it's a doll that you just toss into the mix, no, it's a live human that has eyeballs that can be poked, needs to eat a lot (unless you are Marlee, then you need to eat on a constant food drip), and has feelings, needs and concerns too. In Marlee's case, that would be concern about her next meal. Hey, little people have feelings too.

Now, today was not such a great day. It started off fairly well, but it disintegrated by evening. Tony had to work late and that can make for an endless afternoon and evening. Especially when the kids fell asleep in the car this afternoon, which ruined nap time. Never a good thing.

My kids can be so challenging. They live in fast forward all day long. Motion, commotion, emotion (KAYLEN!!!) all. day. long. And the noise. Can't forget that. This house is so loud all day that I long for silence by nightfall.

For some reason, Jacob and Kaylen have this idea that rules are meant to be broken and that I don't really mean it when I tell them to do something. It's quite annoying. I'm not really sure why bringing Marlee home brought about this revolution in my house, but it's here and the rebels are...winning. No, not winning, but certainly attempting a hostile takeover. Thankfully bedtime came before they could finish the coup de etat.

As challenging as today was, now that they are safely tucked in bed and I am safely tucked in bed, well almost, Oinker thinks she is still hungry after eating for two solid hours...anyways, there were still some gems from today that deserve recognition.

* On our walk this morning Jacob was riding on the foot rest of my single passenger jogging stroller. This meant that his back was to Kaylen and she took full advantage of her superior position. They fussed back and forth and finally, Kaylen said to Jacob, "You want spankin, buddy?" in a saucy, sassy tone. "YOU want spankin? Jacob hurled back and he hit her with his hat. Jacob walked the rest of the way home.

* Tonight I let Jacob and Kaylen dismantle the couch and play on the cushions. I was...surprise! feeding Marlee. Kaylen started crying and Jacob came running to tell me that Kaylen hurt her neck, but he didn't do it. Riiiight.

* Jacob did not obey me when it was time to clean up, and in fact disobeyed a direct order not to tear up the small couch. I had to punish him and when we were done, he walked away rubbing his bottom. I'm not sure why, but it was the funniest thing I've seen in a long time.

* After the previous scene, I got a little emotional because I hate to punish Jacob and it was a tough afternoon and I feel like I've been so hard on my older kids, and so short tempered with them and just not the mom I want to be and I just had to cry. Jacob saw my tears and he said, "But your still the best mom in the world!" And then I cried even harder.

* And last but not least, Marlee. Poor Marlee. Already bearing the brunt of being the baby of the family. Speaking of which she is laying next to me as I type this and has one foot resting on my arm. It's ridiculously adorable. Anyways, I was preoccupied with some catastrophe or commotion with the other two and Marlee was left to lay and look at her mobile in her crib. I heard her crying, but couldn't stop to go pick her up. When I went to check on her a few minutes later, she had rolled herself onto her side- her favorite way to sleep- and was sound asleep! Already so self-sufficient at 2.5 weeks. Atta girl, just get it done.

Two to three is hard work. It's long hours. It's a mental strain. It's a juggling act.

It's the only way I'd have it. Except for the hostile take over.