Hold Me Tight

Sunday night Jacob spiked a high temperature. Fortunately we are a pretty healthy household, so when someone is sick...they are s.i.c.k. From the palms of his hands to the tip of his nose, Jacob was burning up. I was alarmed.

I took his temperature and it was over 103 degrees. I decided to give it one hour to go down or I was going to stick him in the tub. Setting my alarm so I wouldn't forget, I climbed back into my bed. Then my imagination went wild. Mothers, you know how this is- in your head, they go from running a fever to six feet under in seconds. It's a dangerous place to go, but somehow I found myself there in tears and sorrowing over how much I would miss my boy. If something happened to him I would hurt so deeply I'd never completely recover. Everyday of my life I'd think of the joy that he brought me and grieve for the hole that he left. Somehow, I'd have to live. I'd have to keep on making peanut butter sandwiches and playing outside and being a mother. But I don't know how I could.

Then I thought about the immense regret I'd feel remembering the times I'd rated something else, an object, as more important than my son. What a fool I would consider myself to think that all those things I thought were so important made my son feel unimportant. The pain of knowing I'd rated him with fewer stars than my current sewing project or book I'm reading...blog I'm writing...seering, blinding. Haunting me.

By this time I couldn't take the distance anymore. I sat on the floor my head laying next to Jacob's overheated little body. He knew I was there and every few minutes he would lay his hand on my head. A benediction of forgiveness and understanding. He was content, mommy was beside him. I don't know how high his fever went before it peaked, I just know I have never felt a child so hot in my life. Then in an instant he began to cool down. Another temp check and it was down to 102, a temperature I was much more comfortable with.

He spent the rest of the night like that and all of the next day as well. But today, he is fine! No more fever, playing like a champ, eating, drinking, being my best helper. 

Every day is precious. Every day is a chance to do right by your children. To treat them like the treasures they are, to show them how to love like Christ, to teach them to love others as they have been loved. I take great comfort in knowing that God is in control and that He is good. His mercy endureth forever.

To my son and daughter, I won't be perfect, I will make mistakes. I will hurt your feelings, miss an opportunity, forget a hug. But know this, you make my sun shine brighter, my blue skies bluer, my heart burst with pride. You bring me joy, make me laugh, fill me with purpose. You were meant for me and I was meant for you. Your life is so entwined in mine that wherever you go, I'll be there too. Until you have children of your own, you will not be able to understand how I feel about you, how my heart beats to the sound of your names. I love you so much.