Lost

In a world made up of primary colors, plastic tool sets, blankies, bibs and bottles, sometimes I feel a little lost. I don't belong to the kid-less crowd anymore, as much as I might want to sometimes. And I don't belong to the crowd where the kids only need basic supervision. I belong to the crowd where my kids need me for everything, I can barely have a phone conversation, and not a minute of the day is my own.

It's a place in my life I came to willingly. I'd much rather have chubby hands holding mine, sweet arms around my neck, baby voices calling for mama than all the fun vacation, mall shopping me-time in the world. When my precious firstborn was laid in my arms, I never looked back. The old life, good as it was, doesn't hold a candle to now.

This time of life is so good, so sweet that it almost hurts. I hate it when people tell me that it goes quickly because I KNOW it goes quickly, and I try not to face that reality in the hopes that it won't be true. But true it is. Time is my enemy. It just keeps on going, every minute, every day. Oh how I hate you sometimes! I celebrate the milestones with my kids and hate them at the same time!

It's easy to get lost in this primary colored world. I know I'm in here somewhere. Somewhere at the base of this life, is me. Keep things moving, cleaning things up, helping my arch-enemy, time, pass efficiently. I'm here, cooking and caring and removing spots. {another arch enemy! ha!} I'm here clutching to every minute, drawing every drop from it.

Sometimes I fight the pull that tries to draw me deeper into my mom world, I resist being so removed, so cut off. I like people! I want to be popular! I want to have parties and go out and be cool! I want to talk on the phone with friends, have lunch, remember the girl I used to be. But, then when these crazy urges hit me, and the unrest foams and froths to the point where I think I might explode, then . . . my baby cries for me and I melt in a puddle in his arms. I am hopelessly, helplessly caught. Lost in love.

I might be lost, but please, no one find me. Not for a while anyways.